Fourteen Years

The beginning of this past week was quite trying. I had come down with a bad bug which made me not go to school last week. I'm still fighting it off, but its better than it was last week. I've been to work everyday this week, though, which is a very good thing. Thank God for the blessings He's bestowed upon my husband and I.
I'm actually glad that I've been trying to keep busy this week. This past Thursday, known to the rest of the country as Veteran's Day, is known to me as the day my dear, sweet mother went to be with the Lord fourteen years ago. Its not hit me hard this year as it normally does, but I suppose its mostly to the fact that I have been trying to keep my mind off it and haven't allowed myself time to really sit and think about much of anything. I am trying so hard to get over the loss still but it is hard. True, time can heal a lot of things. However, I don't know if I can every truly get over losing her. I remember that she would brush my hair as we watched TV, the time we spent together, her laugh, the way she stood with her hands on her hips and her bright, wonderful smile. She always told me when someone hurts you or makes you sad, to kill them with kindness and life is too short to live in a fuss. She loved love. She loved Jesus so much. Its so hard to believe that its been 14 years without her. I had fourteen years with her and fourteen years without. I won't say my life is a never ending sea of depression but I do believe that things would be better if she were still here. To have someone to call and talk to when things get to rough. To have the touch of her hand on my hair while she brushed my hair. Every memory I have of my mother was so beautiful. I don't remember a time where I can say a bad thing about her. I can't nor would I want to. I can only wish that when my time comes to go to the Lord, people can remember me that way. If I am half the woman she was, I will be very happy indeed.
I have her picture on my wall and I see it everyday. Such a radiant smile, just like I remember her. I suppose the reason it gets to me so bad is that its like seeing the most beautiful flower in the world. There's only one. Its unique. Its itself and none like it will ever exist again. When it dies, you are sad cuz you can't ever get it back but you smile through the tears because you did, for that chance in a lifetime, get to see the most breathtaking flower. My mother's love is like that. I don't see it everyday, but I know its there through my memories of her.
Rest in peace, Mama. I love you and always will. I'm crying because I've missed you for the last 14 years but I'm smiling because I knew you for the first half of my life.