Uncomfortably Numb

The alarm clock summoned me awake as it normally does before I have to go to work at night. I thought I would be fine, took my shower, got ready, and headed out the door. I could feel my arms and legs growing weaker with each step I took to the door, then to the car, then driving, and to the time clock. My head would have that strange, yet familiar feeling like its being pushed in and I'm about to pass out. I would love to just close my eyes and let the blackness over take me.
I had that same thought the other day when, still I hate to even admit what happened. If I write it out, its so much more different. Writing it out, means it has to be so rather than saying it out loud in my world. In my world, words that are written make it so for some odd reason. I am still trying to come to grips that merely three days ago I did have a seizure. My body, I had no control over it. I wanted it to stop, but I couldn't make it just stop. It kept on. My eyes wanted to shut but I kept them open. In my mind, the only thing that made sense to me was getting home to Gary where I would be safe. I still have no clue how I even made it home. I just know I did. Everything is a blur about that afternoon. At the risk of being too graphic, I do know that I threw up on myself, who knows how many times, in the car then when I got home and finally I went to bed.
The last few days have left me feeling incredibly weak. I don't have much energy at all. The lightheaded feeling I have is unreal and I am writing all this down so I don't forget. My balance is off, I have this strange ringing in my ears, and I just don't feel like Susan. The part of me, the old me, that is left in this shell wanted to go to work. Its what you have to do so I did. I got there and I felt just as bad as when I left. I thought it might pass, but it did not. I helped break down the dairy truck, which at one point in my life, I could do by myself in less than an hour on any given night. I was finding myself relying on the strength of my coworkers. I was dependent on them to lift the heavy things, to pull the pallets, and to do the things that I could do half asleep and had done so many times before. Vickie had asked if I could help her lift a pallet, which I thought  no problem with. She was going backwards and I was going forwards. Well, somehow, the pallet hit the bunker and made her drop it. The pallet landed on my foot. I opened my mouth to say ow, but I was shocked. Why? I didn't feel it. I felt no pain. I have no feeling in my hands or legs. They are numb. A pallet that was quite heavy landed on my now bruised foot but I felt absolutely nothing. Can someone explain that to me?
I told my bosses that I needed to go home, so I left at lunch time. I tried to make it but I couldn't. The more I went on, the worse I felt in all honesty, but that goes without saying really.
I do know that this arachnoid cyst has now decided to add not only numbness to my extremities, nausea, balance issues, weakness, but now seizures. In a word to describe my feelings: terrified. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared to death. I don't remember how I got home the other day. I had no control over my body. I threw up. I couldn't stop shaking. I have no feeling in my hands or feet. I am numb. I am also angry. I have a thing in my head that is 3.5 cm x 3.5 cm in size on my posterior fossa and all these doctors can say is that its incidental, I've had it since birth. Well, great. But the thing is causing me trouble now. Don't wait until I'm having..oh wait? Seizures? Hello? Looks like that's happening, um..now-ish?
Let me put it out there like this: **WARNING: VENT SESSION**
No more than five years ago when I started Wal*Mart, I could stock with the best of them and, not to sound too horribly arrogant, I was damned good at my job. I could get an aisle done so quick it was unreal. I could run an entire dairy department, milk included and on a good night turn back-stock without breaking a sweat. Then, I'd come home and cook my husband a meal and clean the house and take care of business on the home-front. DO these doctors not understand how horrible it pains me to know and to come to the sad realization that I can't do this anymore? Do they need someone to slap them to understand that its not my damned snoring or whatever else they wanna cook up in their heads that's causing these symptoms? I have a CYST in my frakkin' head.


In any case, I do realize that I have been to Bowling Green, Nashville, and even all the way to the other side of Kentucky to find help. They have all said the same thing so, my friends, forgive me when I hear "you need to go to the doctor" I don't jump on the ball. You can only hear so many times that "Its all in your head. Its always going to be there. Its never going to change. Its asymptomatic." That one gets a bit weary of going to a doctor. However, if I found one that was across country and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that doctor would be so gracious enough to cut a dime sized whole in my head, drain it, and put me back together again, I would do it. Well, the optimistic side of me is really hoping that this search I've done has found that but the other part of me that's dealt with what I have for the past few years is skeptical. It doesn't mean I won't try though. I know I'm being vague, so here's what I'm talking about. There is a doctor I've found that is not hesitant, apparently, in LA that will do surgery on the arachnoid cysts. He admits they cause problems and does phone consultations. I will be asking my husband what he thinks and I am very, very, very willing to travel that far to get relief because I do want my life back. I want that old Susan back....and I am willing to do anything it takes, Lord willing, to do just that. The video below is about the doctor..Lets hope and pray it works out with him...

Yourself, or someone like you....

So, the last few days have been really weird. I was all gung ho about my days off this week to get caught up on school and housecleaning but that obviously didn't happen. Wednesday I rested up and slept a grand total of 14 hours and got up in plenty of time to go to school Thursday, which I did, but I somehow got sick pretty bad at school. My hands were shaking, had a great deal of nausea, and just felt horrible. I got my work from my teacher and drove home, which I'm still not quite sure how I did but I did. I went to sleep about 4 that afternoon finally and didn't wake up till 8 Friday morning and did manage to go to my eye doctor appointment. My husband drove me there and I was actually happy about that because I didn't feel like driving to or from there.
The eye doctor said my eyes were fine and they hadn't changed, so I got the same prescription on my contacts and she said that my eyes were a good candidate for LASIK. She gave me a referral to Dr. Loden in Goodlettsville, so we'll see how all that goes. First and foremost, my teeth have to take priority because three of my wisdom teeth have decided to cut through which is just a barrel of monkeys.

I finally got really tired to the point I couldn't keep my eyes open any long and went to sleep about 10 or something and just now woke up at 4. Nothing too horribly entertaining about this particular blog. Mostly, this is just a brief play-by-play of the last few days. I just don't feel right at all, almost as if all my energy has been sucked away. I know I have a lot to do, but I have not one ounce of energy to do any of it. I am not sure what's going on with me but I do know that I need a lot of prayers right now. After getting sick Thursday at school, I don't feel myself at all...not at all...

Home Sweet Home

This last week and a half has been nothing short of insane. It seems as if I have been going non-stop. Last Tuesday I got a call from an old family friend that my dad had gotten sick and he needed me. So, at work I called him from my cell to see what was going on and found out that he did need me, as well as my brother. Basically, my dad just got a pacemaker and some of the medicines he is supposed to take (actually all of them), he wasn't. I got with my boss and he gave me the FMLA papers and I headed down there. I've been in Covington, TN (Which is about an hour north from Memphis, give or take) since last Wednesday at noon and just now arrived back in Franklin a few hours ago. I've spent that time helping my dad get better and had a lot of good talks with my brother. I have to go back Sunday but chose to come back today just because I didn't want to rush everything and get things ready for me to go back to work Sunday night. Today though, before I left Covington, I had so many thoughts in my head. It was great to be able to help my dad through his sickness and great that work let me off to be able to do that. It is very heartwarming all the people up here in Franklin that do care so much, to call and text to see if I was ok. I really do appreciate it and feel so blessed.
What's going on in my head right now is so scrambled and jumbled up, I'm not even sure with my writing skills that I can get it across. I will try though. I have lived here with my husband and two little dogs now for going on my sixth year. I have been able to make it with him, I love him dearly, and everyone I've met here. Leaving today was so very hard though. Hugging my dad and brother, telling each other how much we'd be missed by the other, and all that has led me into deep thoughts. I don't have to say again how much I love them because I know that they know it. I literally will drop everything if they're in trouble and need me but there's that part of my mind that wants to not just be there for the "bad" or when dad gets sick and needs me to help him. Clay and I had a very small moment where he played a new riff on his guitar and I came up with some lyrics on the spot. We never got to finish that song, but if I were there all the time we could. No, this isn't about music. Its about the part where there was that happy moment in between all the craziness and I fully enjoyed that. I enjoy my brother's company and I enjoy being around my dad. When his medications were getting straightened out, I was enjoying my time with him. It had been over a year and half since I seen them and the last time I went down was because two of my cousins had a bad car wreck and passed, so I went to the funeral. Time before that, I had went because Uncle Richard passed away. I'm seeing a pattern here and I am really not liking it that much. I'm going down home for the "bad" instances and not so much the good. Its really hard to pull myself from work, school, and all that sort of thing to be able to take time to just go down and have an enjoyable visit.
Now, some people might say..."Well, I thought your life was sooooo great up in Franklin..why would you wanna move back to Covington?" Its not that, not that in the least. I've met some amazing people up here and some of them I actually count as my family. You see, in my eyes, you don't have to be blood related to be family. I've actually got family now in both places and its time like these that I wish I could clone myself. I miss my cousins, my uncles, aunts, everyone yet I have a life up here as well.
I'm mostly just thinking out loud and I know that God will put me where He wants me to be and I have so much faith in Him. I'm sure somehow I'll figure this all out but in the meantime, I'm going to get my apartment straightened out some and hopefully get some rest before Sunday. I'm emotionally and physically drained....To anyone out there that has read this..thank you..and may God bless all of you....

~Susan