Fourteen Years

The beginning of this past week was quite trying. I had come down with a bad bug which made me not go to school last week. I'm still fighting it off, but its better than it was last week. I've been to work everyday this week, though, which is a very good thing. Thank God for the blessings He's bestowed upon my husband and I.
I'm actually glad that I've been trying to keep busy this week. This past Thursday, known to the rest of the country as Veteran's Day, is known to me as the day my dear, sweet mother went to be with the Lord fourteen years ago. Its not hit me hard this year as it normally does, but I suppose its mostly to the fact that I have been trying to keep my mind off it and haven't allowed myself time to really sit and think about much of anything. I am trying so hard to get over the loss still but it is hard. True, time can heal a lot of things. However, I don't know if I can every truly get over losing her. I remember that she would brush my hair as we watched TV, the time we spent together, her laugh, the way she stood with her hands on her hips and her bright, wonderful smile. She always told me when someone hurts you or makes you sad, to kill them with kindness and life is too short to live in a fuss. She loved love. She loved Jesus so much. Its so hard to believe that its been 14 years without her. I had fourteen years with her and fourteen years without. I won't say my life is a never ending sea of depression but I do believe that things would be better if she were still here. To have someone to call and talk to when things get to rough. To have the touch of her hand on my hair while she brushed my hair. Every memory I have of my mother was so beautiful. I don't remember a time where I can say a bad thing about her. I can't nor would I want to. I can only wish that when my time comes to go to the Lord, people can remember me that way. If I am half the woman she was, I will be very happy indeed.
I have her picture on my wall and I see it everyday. Such a radiant smile, just like I remember her. I suppose the reason it gets to me so bad is that its like seeing the most beautiful flower in the world. There's only one. Its unique. Its itself and none like it will ever exist again. When it dies, you are sad cuz you can't ever get it back but you smile through the tears because you did, for that chance in a lifetime, get to see the most breathtaking flower. My mother's love is like that. I don't see it everyday, but I know its there through my memories of her.
Rest in peace, Mama. I love you and always will. I'm crying because I've missed you for the last 14 years but I'm smiling because I knew you for the first half of my life.

Don't give up

Today has been one of those days. You know, where you don't sleep and you try to work a full shift. Then when you do get home, you sit blankly at the computer screen for a bit. Actually, I'm not staring that blankly at the screen: I am doing quite a bit of thinking. I'm sitting here listening to old 70s music and reflecting on a conversation that I just had with my brother.
See, the thing is; we've been wanting to start up a band forever. I have lyrics written out the (well you know what) ...and he's amazing at the guitar. He doesn't see it, but he is. He's worried people won't like our music and everything. Here's the deal and my ramble for the day.
Whatever you have enjoyment in, whatever your hobby or love is, do it. No matter what other people think of it, do NOT under any circumstances let it get you down and stop. The first thing I drew, probably wasn't that great. I still am learning to shadow, blend, and everything. I'm by no means a "professional" lyricist. I am just now picking up the piano. However, I enjoy doing all those things. Its about having fun. Its about being creative for heaven's sake!
Seriously though. Whatever you want to do, do it. If you have the drive, the passion, that love for what you want to do; give it your best shot and then some. It might sound or look horrible to one person, but to another person they will have gotten something from it. Not everyone is going to like what you do, what you are, or even who you are but you are you.
I suppose the point of this blog is simply, don't give up because of a few negative comments that you might (and will) receive.


Until next time, keep on keepin' on and much love to all you out there. Hopefully, someone will find this blog and it will help them I hope.
~Susan

Love, Loss, and Life.

I've been reflecting a bit on my life as of late and thinking about the past. Sometimes this is a good thing, sometimes its not. This time, I believe it to be a good thing though. Over the past year I've seen couples break up after years of being together and I've seen some get married and tie the knot. Being that I'm rather tired, I'm just going to cut to the chase about what's on my mind right now.
When I was a teenager, there were some guys I dated and there were some guys I wanted to date but they didn't want to. I guess one would call that rejection. I am now 28 years old and I would like to say something to the guys out there that never did date me. Thank you. Wait a second (you may be asking)....are you actually thanking them for rejecting you, Susan? Oh yes, I am.
You see, the past five years I've been with the man that I had always dreamed of. We've had some rough times  and we've had some good times together, but all in all...I'm so happy to be with Gary. He really makes me happy and I love Him more each day that I look at Him. Each time, its like I'm falling in love with Him all over again. He's helped me through my insecurities, my depression, my heartache and He's built me up and has made me a better woman.
So, when I say thanks to the guys in the past that never dated me ...simply for the reason of : Thanks for not wasting my time. I think sometimes that it takes more of a heart to reject one because that way, you're not wasting your time and you're not wasting their time either. I'd rather know something up front than live a lie.
The reason I'm saying this is that I've seen some guys do that. It goes for a woman too. They force themselves (for whatever reason) to be with someone. Also, through them not dating me it left me open to find my (I know it's cliche) Knight.
I've been thinking about that this past week and I hope that I got my thoughts across correctly. So, the past is the past and Gary is my past five years, my present, and my future. I hope to have children with Him one day. To have a house and looking for many more years with the love of my life.
After seeing the beautiful wedding today of my best friend and his now wife, it makes me happy that 2 years ago I exchanged vows and it made me remember that day. I wish them well and hope they have many years of happiness as well.
For the other couple that I am friends with that recently broke up, maybe its for the best. You have to go through hell to get to heaven at times.
All in all, things happen for a reason and there's always a light at the end of the tunnel. Its not always a train either.
Until next time,
Love and God bless ~Susan

Vacation Mishaps Ramble

I haven't posted in a good while of just  writing out what I'm thinking, feeling, seeing, doing, ..and any other nice and nifty verb you could possibly think of. Anyways, Last week I was supposed to go see my dad and brother for my 9 day vacation. Alas, that did not work out as I had hoped and I am rather disappointed. Its made me actually quite depressed but I think I'm getting over it because I'm trying to come up with a back up plan and I would love to see them before 2011. I haven't hugged them since summer of 2009. I am getting quite homesick and miss them. My head and body was just completely worn down and I felt very ill. I am better this week (so far) and really am hoping it stays that way. Maybe my boss will let take an extra two days (unpaid of course) some week before Black Friday and Holidays hit. We shall see...I am trying to work as much as possible and drug myself up. It seems to help ..that and pretending it doesn't exist.
Anyways, aside from being disappointed, I am having a better week. Work has been very pleasant the last few nights and it felt good to vent out my frustration to a friend of mine. It helps to get it off your chest and I adore her advise of : Even if you have to write it down and then shred it, at least its not inside you being bottled up. I think I shall heed this advice.
I am going to be starting my new quarter of school next week and with that, comes change of weekly work schedule. Its cool with the other two supervisors that I work with if I take Monday and Tuesdays now. That is going to help so that I don't have to worry about getting to class at 8 in the morning and getting in at near 6 in the afternoon. Maybe I can do the customer supervisor job in return for them. Just a side note. I really do like being a Customer Service Manager at Wal-Mart and working there. You have good days, you have bad days. However, the cool thing is you never stop learning there and its really a blessing to have a job. Speaking of which, I have decided that as soon as Mrs. Gooche gets the time to do a meeting, I will be starting Avon Campaigns soon. They have it now where you can sell things online to people from anywhere so that will be a great thing. Maybe I can dabble in some YouTube videos or something and try to advertise. Who knows? We'll see.
The last thing I guess I'd like to talk about is that for my vacation my husband and I played a game called Guild Wars quite a lot. I actually beat the Prophecies part of the game and now am working on Eye Of The North. Its a fun game and I have a rockin' little warrior I play with on there. If anyone plays that game, hollar at me and we'll game sometimes.
Well, I guess that's about it for now. I'll try to update better. Hope everyone has a great week and God bless until next time.
Deathly Holler!
x0x0x0x0x0 ~Susan

Why should I remember 9/11?

Nine years ago, people's lives in the USA and around the world had changed. We have grown up in a era of wonderful cars, Television, Radio, and so much ease technologically wise. My generation had never heard about a war on our land. Well, scratch that..we had heard of it. It happened before. They taught it to us in History class. Pearl Harbor, the day that lived in infamy. December the 7th in the year 1941. We know from the movie we saw how tragic it was. We had been attacked for the first time that year on our American Soil, then a few months shy of 60 years later, it happened again. We remember it well. It is in our minds exactly what we were doing that day, for the most part. When I say for the most part, I will explain. My thoughts are a bit scattered and I'm not writing properly because the question that I saw deserves a bit of answering and maybe others will see. Why is it so important to remember September 11, 2001. Sure, it was a bad thing for a handful of lunatics to kill so many innocent people. To hijack a plane and destroy the lives. But, why should I always remember? That was the question I saw. Of course, its paraphrased but that's the general jest of it.
As I wipe the sleep out of my eyes, I remember that day so well 9 years ago. I cried as I watched the TV with my cousin. I remember driving to her house after class because for some reason, I knew I had to be with Samantha. I turned on my radio and heard it on every channel. The Twin Towers have been attacked, a plane has crashed into the first tower. Planes have been hijacked. I was shocked, I was stunned, I didn't know what to think. In that moment, I felt that our county was incredibly vulnerable, it wasn't safe. I remember when I got to her house, I knocked on the door and she was like OMG have you heard the news? I was like yes, I just had to come and be with you. We watched the TV, went outside and smoked, we cried, we didn't leave the doors unlocked. It was a horrible feeling. A feeling of, what else are they going to do now? What else is going to happen? Are they going to attack other places too? The tears we cried as we watched those people jumping out of the building, to their death because they had no other way to get out but they didn't want to be in there. Yes, they perished at the end of the jump but they were scared. From what I remember, most people's emotions were running so high that day. Everything ranged from a feeling fear, sadness, unknowing what was happening. Those attacks that we witnessed are deep in my mind because of those overwhelming feelings. To answer the question, why should you remember that day? Well, the answer to me is quite simple. That was the first time in my life that I had ever witnessed an attack so bold, so horrible, so...sick in my life. To take so many human lives.....for no other reason that just pure hatred and malice. I can recall what I was doing that day, how I felt, and remember my 19 year old self crying over it. So, why should you remember? So those people would not have died in vein. So we can remember our history and hopefully find a way where it would never happen again so our children won't see such a heinous attack on our soil so that they will never know that type of pain. It made me realize that we weren't completely immune to such an attack. It could happen again, and I pray to God that it doesn't. I haven't forgotten and neither have a lot of people. I guess my question after remembering that day just like it was yesterday is: Why not remember?
Things happen that are bad all over the world, I realize that and I'm not saying that we shouldn't remember that. But, that day is a day that should stick out in our minds that we aren't as invulnerable as we had thought. Maybe I am hoping for too much for peace and the hope that it won't ever happen again. Its happened twice in the last hundred years, pray that it won't happen again.
That's all I've got to really say about it....

Five Reasons I still Hope

5 Life Lessons

 1 - First Important Lesson - Cleaning Lady.
 During my second month of college, our professor

 Gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student

 And had breezed through the questions until I read

 The last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?"

 Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the

Cleaning woman several times. She was tall,

 Dark-haired and in her 50's, but how would I know her name?

 I handed in my paper, leaving the last question

 Blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if

 The last question would count toward our quiz grade.


 "Absolutely, " said the professor. "In your
careers,

 You will meet many people. All are significant.. They

 Deserve your attention and care, even if all you do

 Is smile and say "hello."



 I've never forgotten that lesson.. I also learned her

 Name was Dorothy.



 2. - Second Important Lesson - Pickup in the Rain



 One night, at 11:30 p.m.., an older African American
Woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway
 Trying to endure a lashing rain storm. Her car had

 Broken down and she desperately needed a ride.

 Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car.

 A young white man stopped to help her, generally

Unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960's. The man

 Took her to safety, helped her get assistance and

Put her into a taxicab.
She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his
Address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a

knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a

Giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A
Special note was attached.
It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway
The other night. The rain drenched not only my
Clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along.
Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying

 Husband's' bedside just before he passed away... God
Bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving

 Others."
Sincerely,

Mrs. Nat King Cole.

3 - Third Important Lesson - Always remember those
Who serve..
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less,
A 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and

Sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in

 Front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled his hand out of his pocket and
Studied the coins in it.
"Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he
 inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the
Waitress was growing impatient.
"Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins.
"I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on
The table and walked away The boy finished the ice
Cream, paid the cashier and left.. When the waitress

Came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the
Table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish,
Were two nickels and five pennies..
You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had
To have enough left to leave her a tip.

4 - Fourth Important Lesson. - The obstacle in Our Path.
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a
Roadway.. Then he hid himself and watched to see if
Anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the
King's' wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by

And simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the

 King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did

 Anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of
Vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the

 peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the
stone to the side of the road. After much pushing
and straining, he finally succeeded. After the

 peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed

 a purse lying in the road where the boulder had
been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note
from the King indicating that the gold was for the

 person who removed the boulder from the roadway. The

 peasant learned what many of us never understand!
Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve
our condition.

5 - Fifth Important Lesson - Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a
hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who
was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only
chance of recovery appeared to be a blood
transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had
miraculously survived the same disease and had
developed the antibodies needed to combat the
illness.. The doctor explained the situation to her
little brother, and asked the little boy if he would
be willing to give his blood to his sister.
I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a
deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will
 save her.." As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed
next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing
the color returning to her cheek. Then his face
grew pale and his smile faded.

 He looked up at the doctor and asked with a
trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away".
Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the
doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his
sister all of his blood in order to save her.

Hope Still Lingers On

The past few weeks I have been reading a lot of news, watching news, and basically paying attention to world events. A Mosque is potentially going to get built near ground zero. The summer heat is seemingly unbearable. Earthquakes are rocking the planet. Violence, bloodshed, and strife is happening all over. The fact that it is happening now and that it always has been has left me into a bit of a thinking pattern. More thought, of course, than "am I going to get my Warrior on Guild Wars to the Fire Island to beat the Prophecies campaign?" Oh, my thoughts are so much more than that.
In regards to the Mosque, first of all. I know that no matter what I say that whatever happens will happen. Its not my choice. Now, it is very apparent from my blogs, profile, and if you've ever taken the time to know me to know that I am a Christian. Follower of Christ, I do see Him more than just a "prophet", but rather He is the Son of God. He is God in the Flesh but He is not the Father. To spare time, I'm not going to get into an explanation of that again. Its the previous post that has all that if you want to read about it. What I will say is this, I don't agree with Islamic faith. However, I don't hate them one bit. I don't hate. I love to love. Its such a beautiful feeling. There are many things in this world that I don't agree with, but I'm not going to come off as some crazy zealot and be an extremist. I am all for peace. If I had my say in the locale of said Mosque, I wish it would just be somewhere not so close. Am I saying take their butts back to the Middle East? Of course not. I won't say that because, after all, America is land of the free. Everyone can stay here. And remember, my friends, unless you are 110 percent Native American blood, your ancestors didn't have that right either. Myself? I am part German, English, Irish, French, Cherokee, and Choctaw (and whatever else I have no clue). The thing is, is that I am an American. People can immigrate here if they so choose. Legally. Of course, back then that wasn't a stipulation. Times have changed, its a bigger country(as far as population), so it needs to be done that way. So, no I'm not against a Mosque being on our soil because our Constitution does say that we have the freedom of RELIGION as well. I am a Christian. Its not my place to get in between what you and God do.
As far as the heat goes, I wish it was Fall. I don't say in Winter, I wish it was summer. I can't stand the heat myself. It drives me batty and my allergies go off the chart nuts. The violence and bloodshed out in the world. I can't do much about that but I can live my life the way that God has chosen. So, in my heart that He has touched, I wish for peace. I don't like anger, strife, or any form of negativity. It does break my heart to see all these people cutting down each other and hurting one another. Sometimes I really think that if the human population would put in half as much energy into being productive and not destructive, it wouldn't be such a violent planet. Man is always against man it seems. Through violence or speaking with a venomous tongue.
Mother nature is seemingly shaking like crazy right now, so I pray for all those that are affected in Indonesia with all the earthquakes that are happening. I really don't like earthquakes. I remember when I lived at my dad's house, little tremors going off. Quite frankly, they used to scare me because earthquakes are really no joke.
I guess the main point of this writing is to say that, I know that the world is seemingly being turned upside down with all these aforementioned happenings. Is it being too much of an optimist to say that I don't lose hope yet? Through it all, I think that if humankind can show more of their humanity that we can learn to love each other as individuals. Through our differences, through our opinions, can't we learn to agree to disagree? People have different perspectives and I am sure that some will even disagree to the things I've spoken of in this ramble. Even then, I do hope that there is humanity in people though. If I had one wish, it would be for people to do that. To learn how to love and forget how to hate.
Wishful thinking from this bout of randomness.

God bless everyone and sincerely, I hope you all have a wonderful day.

Love and Peace, Susan.

Now I lay me down to sleep....

Today has been another one of those trying days. My body hasn't been operating properly for some time now, but the emotional and thinking part of me is always working. I always seem to be thinking of some subject matter. Sometimes it can be as silly as thinking of a game that I play and wondering how will I ever beat it. Then, sometimes I tend to think on more important matters. Today, it was a day of thinking of complex thoughts and the conclusions that I have formed in doing that.

I realize how weak my physical self is in going through this trial. I'm mostly not wanting to let it beat me because I've been holding on fast to my faith. That was what I was thinking about today. My faith. I am a Christian, Calvinistic in doctrine but Christian in faith. To make this clear, I do not bow down and worship John Calvin. I just believe that we are predestined in the role that we have. Now, that doesn't make me any better than any soul that has ever walked on this planet, I don't know who God has chosen. He could call you when you're 10, 25, or 70 for all I know. I don't have the knowledge of that, but what I do have knowledge of is what God has been doing in my life.

Some people will say, why believe in an invisible thing? Blah blah blah. Well, to me, God is not a fairy tale in the least. I know in my heart that God is very real, He did create everything that we see. I am a firm believer in the Trinity. The belief, by the way, in the Trinity is not polytheism, it is very much Monotheistic. To explain the Trinity the best way that I can so that one can understand it is that God is the Father, God is the Son, and God is the Holy Spirit.The Father is not the Holy Spirit, The Holy Spirit is not the Son, and the Son is not the Father. In 1 Timothy 2:5, Paul continues to teach that there is but one God while recognizing Jesus as the divine-human Mediator between God and man.

The biblical teaching on the Trinity embodies four essential affirmations.

1.) There is one and only one true and living God.

2.) This one God eternally exist in three persons ~ God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit.

3.) These three persons are completely equal in attributes, each with the same divine nature.

4.) While each person is fully and completely God, the persons are not identical.

It was so very important that Jesus came here like He did to die for our sins. You hear that so much and some nod and agree, others just give you that funny look like "Why do I need salvation for my sins?", or others just say that yeah, believe in Jesus but you need to work and do *such and such* to earn the right to Heaven. The main thing here is, people don't really realize why sin bothers God so much. He is a perfect Being. He created us. He doesn't sin. He can't stand sin. He actually loathes and hates it. If your name is in the Book of Life on the Day of Judgment, then you will be allowed into Heaven to worship Him for ever.

Alright, now you're asking yourself, why would I want to worship Him forever. I'm getting to that. Hell is a very real place. It is full of gnashing of teeth, pain, sorrow, eternal anguish. Eternal is defined as having infinite duration. That means, that it will never end. You will want something to drink, you won't get it. You will want just a second of relief from the pain and it won't happen. It lasts literally, not a manner of speaking, forever. The reason I want to worship the true God, the living God, the Being that Created everything and gives us the air to breath, is because of the very true fact that He has saved me from that. He has saved my soul, out of none of my doing whatsoever, from an eternal everlasting fire pit of pain, suffering, and punishment.

Eternity is a very long time to live in something like that. To exist, rather in a permanent state of torment. There is no going back either when you do realize, hey God does exist and He even came here to die for my sins, so Since I see and Believe, I'm sorry. It does not work like that.

Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.” ~John 20:29

He wants us to have faith before the fact, not after the fact. Its like when you're a child and you get in trouble for some misdeed. Your parents do something to let you see the error of your ways, not let you off Scott free. That would not allow you to learn.

So, after saying all this, my thoughts earlier today when I was just laying in my bed and thinking. I was thinking of how fast it seemed that we got here, but in reality, years and centuries have passed. It seemed like all of a sudden, it was like BAM I'm here. God knew me before I even came into the world's existence. He knew when He first formed the Earth, Universe, everything so long ago that there would be a Susan. He created every hair on my head, cell, eyes, all of it. He created me with love. He does love me so much and I know this because He sent His son to die a most horrible death to pay for the sins that I commit. He knew the wrongs I would do in this life and died for me centuries before I even cried my first tear, told my first lie, or rebelled against my mother and father. He knew I needed that. There is no way that I could ever do anything on this planet that could make God forgive me for the sins, the things that separate me from Him. The hard cold fact is, there is nothing any of us can do by ourselves to gain admittance into His presence for all eternity and have complete forgiveness. Jesus came here to do that for us. He is the only one that has ever been born into this world that was without fault. God saw complete and utter favor in Him. He was perfect. He died for us. His blood cleanses us. He makes us perfect so that we can also show no fault when we stand before God so that our names will be in the Book of Life.

I was thinking so much today. When we get before Him, all of us will. Everyone will stand before Him, whether or not you believe in Him now, we all we be before Him to face that judgment. There is no hiding. I thought of why we should fear God. The fear I would have, is that I would be turned away. That I would be cast from my Creator for ever. It wouldn't be like before we were born either. We would completely and totally realize everything that happens. We would have full conscious state of mind of what was occurring to us. The human in me wants no one to go through that sort of pain and torment. Its not up to me. Its really not. I am a person full of fault and have no right to judge anyone. What I can do is urge people to realize the truth of it all. That we were created with God's hands. He sent His son to do what we just can't do ourselves. No matter how good you think you are, unless one has Jesus' righteousness imbued upon you, then it is a very real thing that you would be separated from Him for ever. That separation is full of pain. To be with Him is not. He is preparing a place for the ones He has elected. Those people will spend their time in Heaven worshiping this very loving and just God. Some may ask, Why is it taking God so long to go and build this place? This new Heaven and new Earth? Well, God doesn't live in time. He created time. Its different for Him.

I do know these things about myself. I fully believe in God, The Trinity, and the Bible. I know that I desire to do good, but without God I can't. I understand that I am a human and that I need Jesus to be with God for all eternity. I don't want to sin but I find myself doing that and I can't stand it. I thank God everyday for His love, grace, and mercy. I only hope that people that I love dearly will come to those truths as well some day. I can't force it upon them, nor will I even try. I will explain, as I do when asked, why I believe, how I came to believe it, and that of the like. It is refreshing to realize that no matter how weak I am physically that my spiritual self is always strong because of Him.

Maybe soon I'll write out my own personal testimony in a blog or something. It wasn't an easy road at all, but then again, nothing worth it is ever easy.

Until next time, God bless and Jesus Be with You all.

Love always,

Susan

References:

ESV Bible on the section speaking of the Trinity.

The summer of pain

The last few months have been a rather trying experience. I think this cyst just wants to piss me off. I went a few days without having much pain, just dizziness and then I woke up this morning/evening with a strong burning sensation in the back of my head. Called in and now I'm just trying to let the medicines run through my veins and thinking a lot. I guess things could be worse. They could be better, too though. I just have to somehow survive until next Thursday when I go talk to the neurosurgeon and praying to God that he will agree to do the surgery.

As much as I need that surgery, I'm also scared that it will happen at the same time if that makes any sense at all. I mean, this is my brain here. That little thing in your skull that helps you remember things (which I've had a hell of a time doing lately), keeping balance ( um, problems there too), speaking correctly (I sound like a drunk sometimes and I don't drink), and remaining conscious (which I do black out......)......

....Ok...maybe its a good thing I wrote it out like that because I see it in my face like that. I'm just worried, exhausted, and blah right now.

Other than that, the only thing on my mind at this moment is how much I miss my family and I wish I could be around them through this.

I got other things I could type about, but my opinions probably wouldn't be that popular. I'll probably blog about things such as a woman's right to work, friends, and educational type things. Right now, I'm going back to lay down. Have a good Friday everyone and God bless.

Update of my Ordinary Life

I haven't updated my blog in about a week I think now. I've been dealing with things, real life annoys me. I remember when I was a kid, I was over at my cousin's house and I tripped, fell, and cut my arm all up to shreds on the hard gravel. Of course, being little, I did cry and I ran to mama and daddy. They cleaned my cut, slapped some neosporin on that thing, a band-aid, and gave it a kiss to get better. I wish so badly things could be simple like that. Pretty much, the last few months have been a battle with this cyst. This week, I've had mostly leg problems with the numbness and some tremors in my left hand that freaked me out. Migraines, of course, are always a thing. Right now, I feel OK for the most part. I just pray to God that it continues that way. I really do mean that. I've not given up hope. I just know that soon things will get better and they will work out according to His plan. I've heard that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Well, after dealing with these pains for the last two years and them seemingly worsening, I will say that after its all said and done, I'm going to be one tough chick. Its a nuisance because I miss my health and the way I was. I miss going to work much at all. I really miss interacting with my co-workers and just being out of the house. There's only so much you can look at in a two bedroom apartment. Of course, Snoopy and Ratt keep me pretty entertained, but I'd honestly rather be working and being productive.
If this is coming off as whiny, I truly do not intend it to sound that way. Yes, it sucks and I hate having it in there but I also have some really awesome people in my life. I thank my lucky stars (and God, of course) that my husband is being supportive through all this. He did agree for us to go to an out-of-state doctor, so we'll figure that out for the surgery to get this spider zit out of my noggin. I think he gets aggravated because he can't do anything to help, but he really does help. Just knowing he loves and cares for me means so very much to me. I love my darlin'.
I have a great brother and daddy. They always check on me and send me love.
My "adoptive" family, meaning that they are family even if not blood kin, are the best two men I could ever ever ask for. I love them so much for being so supportive and loving towards me. Lord knows they hear way too many of my rants and ramblings. I bet their ears must be worn out by now. I don't know what I'd do without Kris and Dev, though. I only love them all more each day. It'll work out, I know it...cuz my dad, bro, hubby, and my bffs (zomg) say so and what they say has to happen. =)

Aside from me being sickly, Gary got a digital video camera from work for a reward for being there five years. I might do some videos with the thing when I figure it out and show it to my family and give them some updates. Plus, they can check out my house and everything without the whole driving part lol. It'll be interesting. I'm thinking of doing a testimony for Zach's Youtube, of how I became a Calvinist. We'll see. I'm actually rather shy about that sort of thing, but I might just break out of my shell and give it a go. But, of course, I have to be careful because of the seemingly paleness that bloke noticed I had in the store the other day. I don't take offense to it, really but it was just...lack of better term...odd.

Sorry about the long post, but that's what's been going on in my ordinary life. God bless and much love everyone.

Be good to each other,
Susan <3

Must Have Energy!

Well, today has gone fairly decent. I haven't had so much numbness and pain going through my body, thank God. I think the cyst is calming down because most of the swelling has gone down a bit in the back of my head (on the exterior) I mean. So, I decided to take it and run with it..the good feeling that is. I did about 20 minutes of low impact exercising. I lifted some ten pound weights, did a lot of stretching, around 70 crunches, and some meditation sort of things to go along with it to keep the oxygen a flowing. I am now drinking some water and seeing how my body is reacting. I actually feel rather good and hope that things continue on that path. I really have it in my heart and soul to not let this bring me down. I want to get my muscle back where I had it where I was feeling uber good. I'm thinking that I'm going to start a diet that consist of mostly protein based things. Sort of like the Atkin's diet, but putting my spin on it. High in protein, low in carbs, and I think I should be ok. We'll see how that pans out. Maybe if all is well, in the morning I can go to the gym and try some cardio.
So, that's what my mind wants to do...lets see if my body cooperates ;-)

Just a tiny mid-day update. Much love, Susan <3

Watch what You say

The last few days have been rather a battle as far as me gaining energy. Lately, the feeling of little pins and needles in the back of my head from this thing has been very annoying. The good news is though, that today I'm not in so much pain that I can't handle. All I've really felt like doing is sleeping and I can really sleep anywhere from 9-12 hours at a time. I suppose my body really needs it or something. I plan on calling the Penn Hospital up in Philly and talking with a Dr. Stacy Horn ( believe is her name) to see if its possible for me to go up there and get the surgery done. Hoping that works out because I'd really love this Cyst in my head to get drained and get to feeling healthier again. That would be great so I can have more energy and get back to doing normal things, like walking without my foot going whacko.
Other than that, something has been running through my mind the last month because its really been a trial here. I was walking through the double doors at work and this person (shall remain nameless) made a comment, which I am hoping it was only in jest as he has no clue what's going on with my health. He said that if I were a horse or something that they'd have put me down by now because there's always something wrong with me. Now, I really hope that he didn't mean that but as things are seemingly crashing down around me, it did get to me. I won't lie about that. The only thing I'll really say about that little comment is that I wish people would really watch what comes out of their mouth. You really don't know what you might be planting in someone's head. Half the time, people will walk around with a smile and you'll never really know what the hell they might be going through.
All in all, I'm going to try to let it not get to me so much and just concentrate on my health and getting better. Praying that I get some sort of relief and this doctor up in Philly will see me and do the surgery. Its quite a distance from me but it'll be worth it if she does it.

Aside from that, I've been trying to do what I can around the house and keep it clean. Going to try to at least lift some 10 pound weights and keep my arms in shape I hope. I don't want my muscles to lose their density through all this.

Anyways, until next time my friends. Much love, God bless, and be mindful of what comes out of you're mouth...You really don't know how much what you say affects those you verbalize it to.



Love, Susan.

Hell is a Real Place

Hell

by Matt Slick

Hell is one of those subjects that makes people uncomfortable. We hear stories of hell being a place of fire, demons, and endless torment. Throughout history many authors have written about it -- Dante's Inferno, for example. Western culture is very familiar with the concept Even Hollywood has made it the subject of many movies. Whatever the context, whatever the belief, hell is definitely taught in the Bible. But even the doctrine of hell is not without its controversy. Some say it is only the grave with no consciousness. Others say it is a place of correction and punishment that is not eternal. Others say it is an endless agonizing punishment in fire. Whichever it is, hell is the total absence of the favor of God.

The words associated with Hell

Gehenna
In the OT the word for hell is 'ge-hinnom', meaning "Valley of Hinnom." It was a place to the southwest of Jerusalem. This place was once "called 'Topheth' and derived from an Aramaic word meaning 'fireplace.' It was here that some pagan kings practiced human sacrifice by fire (2 Chron. 28:3; 33:6; Jer. 7:31; 32:35).1 This is probably why in the NT the word came to be associated with destruction by fire. The word 'gehenna' is found in the NT 12 times and every instance is spoken of by Jesus. In the NT, "gehenna" is used of a condition and never of a place.

Hades
This word only occurs in the NT, ten times, and corresponds to the OT word "sheol." Jesus uses the word four times: Matt. 11:23; 16:18; Luke 10:15; 16:23. The other six occur in Acts 2:27,31; Rev. 1:18; 6:8; 20:13,14.

It was probably the "subterranean abode of all the dead until the judgment. It was divided into two departments, paradise or Abraham's bosom for the good, and Gehenna or hell for the bad."2 In particular, in the account of Lazarus and the Rich man of (Luke 16:19-31), it is the place of the conscious dead who are wicked.

Sheol
"The Hebrew word Sheol is probably derived from a root "to make hollow," and was seen as the common receptacle of the dead and in the great many places the word appears in the OT, it is referring to the grave.3 It is a place and is mentioned in Gen. 37:35; Num. 16:30,33; Psalm 16:10, etc. Sheol has many meanings in scripture: the grave, the underworld, the state of the dead. It was supposed to be below the surface of the earth (Ezek. 31:15,17; Psalm 86:13).

Is Hell Eternal Conscious Torment?

There are some Christian groups and many cults that deny the idea that hell, in the general sense, means eternal, conscious punishment. Some maintain that God's eternal punishment is annihilation, or non-existence. Others say it is temporal and that eventually all will be saved out of hell. Perhaps the most common objection is that a loving God would never punish people in eternal torment. We agree that God is love (1 John 4:8), but He is also just (Neh. 9:32-33; 2 Thess. 1:6), and eternal (Psalm 90:2; 1 Tim. 1:17 ). God punishes the evildoer (Isaiah 11:13) and this punishment will be eternal. But the question remains, is this eternal punishment conscious or not?

There are verses that can be interpreted to support the idea that the dead are not conscious after death: (Ecc. 9:5 - the dead know nothing4 and Psalm 146:4 - their thoughts perish, are good examples.) Other verses compare the dead to sleep: Acts 13:36; 1 Cor. 15:1-6; 1 Thess. 4:13, etc. But these latter verses are merely comparing the similarity between the appearance of the dead and the appearance of someone sleeping.

The Dead are Conscious After Death

The wicked descend alive into Sheol
Num. 16:30, "But if the Lord brings about an entirely new thing and the ground opens its mouth and swallows them up with all that is theirs, and they descend alive into Sheol, then you will understand that these men have spurned the Lord . . . 33 So they and all that belonged to them went down alive to Sheol; and the earth closed over them, and they perished from the midst of the assembly."

Cast to outer darkness with weeping and gnashing of teeth
Matt. 8:12, "but the sons of the kingdom shall be cast out into the outer darkness; in that place there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.”

Those cast into the fire suffer consciously
Matt. 13:41-42, "The Son of Man will send forth His angels, and they will gather out of His kingdom all stumbling blocks, and those who commit lawlessness, 42 and will cast them into the furnace of fire; in that place there shall be weeping and gnashing of teeth.” See also Matt. 13:50.

Cast into a tormenting fire
Rev. 14:9-11, "And another angel, a third one, followed them, saying with a loud voice, "If anyone worships the beast and his image, and receives a mark on his forehead or upon his hand, 10 he also will drink of the wine of the wrath of God, which is mixed in full strength in the cup of His anger; and he will be tormented with fire and brimstone in the presence of the holy angels and in the presence of the Lamb. 11 "And the smoke of their torment goes up forever and ever; and they have no rest day and night, those who worship the beast and his image, and whoever receives the mark of his name."” See also, Rev. 21:8.

Hell is a place of eternal fire and punishment

Unquenchable Fire
Matt. 3:12 "And His winnowing fork is in His hand, and He will thoroughly clear His threshing floor; and He will gather His wheat into the barn, but He will burn up the chaff with unquenchable fire."

Fiery Hell
Matt. 5:22, "whoever shall say, 'You fool,' shall be guilty enough to go into the fiery hell." See also, Matt. 5:29,30.

Fiery Hell
Matt. 18:8-9, "And if your hand or your foot causes you to stumble, cut it off and throw it from you; it is better for you to enter life crippled or lame, than having two hands or two feet, to be cast into the eternal fire. 9 "And if your eye causes you to stumble, pluck it out, and throw it from you. It is better for you to enter life with one eye, than having two eyes, to be cast into the fiery hell."

Eternal Fire
Matt. 25:41, "Then He will also say to those on His left, 'Depart from Me, accursed ones, into the eternal fire which has been prepared for the devil and his angels.

Eternal Punishment
Matt. 25:46, "And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."

The word "eternal" in both places is "aionios" which means 1)without beginning and end, that which always has been and always will be; 2)without beginning; 3)without end, never to cease, everlasting. The word "punishment" is the word "kolasis" and it means "to punish, with the implication of resulting severe suffering - 'to punish, punishment.'"5

Eternal Fire
Jude 7, "Just as Sodom and Gomorrah and the cities around them, since they in the same way as these indulged in gross immorality and went after strange flesh, are exhibited as an example, in undergoing the punishment of eternal fire."

Lake of Fire
Rev. 20:15, "And if anyone's name was not found written in the book of life, he was thrown into the lake of fire."

Luke 16:19-31, Lazarus and the Rich Man

In Luke 16:19-31 is the story of Lazarus and the rich man. Basically, Lazarus is a poor man who suffers during life. The rich man is, of course, rich. They both die. The rich man goes to Hades. Lazarus goes to Abraham's bosom, another term for paradise. In Hades, the rich man lifts up his eyes and sees Lazarus far off. He cries out to Abraham and asks for mercy because he is in agony in flame. Abraham says no. Then the rich man asks if someone from the dead were to rise and go tell his brothers not to come to this terrible place. Abraham teaches him that that will not be done either.

Some say that this is a parable. However, if it is, it is unique because no other parable actually names a person. It isn't a story. It is history. It really happened. But many who believe in no consciousness after death will say it is still a parable. The question is then, if it is a parable what is it teaching? If hell fire is false and if self-awareness after death is also false, then Jesus is using false doctrines to teach a truth. Parables illustrate truth. If it is a parable, what does the consciousness after death symbolize? Also, what does the agony in flame symbolize? Are they not real? Of course they are.

Conclusion

Hell is a real place. It is not mere unconsciousness. It is not temporal. It is eternal torment. Perhaps that is why Jesus spoke more of hell than heaven and spent so much time warning people not to go there. After all, if people just stopped existing, why warn them? If it was temporal, they'd get out in a while. But if it were eternal and conscious, then the warning is strong.

Jesus said, "And if your right eye makes you stumble, tear it out, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to be thrown into hell. 30 "And if your right hand makes you stumble, cut it off, and throw it from you; for it is better for you that one of the parts of your body perish, than for your whole body to go into hell," (Matt. 5:29-30).

This article is also available in: Español

1. 1. Achtemeier, Paul J., Harper's Bible Dictionary, (San Francisco: Harper and Row, Publishers, Inc.) 1985.
2. 2. Unger, Merrill F., Unger's Bible Dictionary, (Chicago: Moody Press), 1966, p. 437.
3. 3. Vine, W. E., Vine's Expository Dictionary of Old and New Testament Words, (Grand Rapids, MI: Fleming H. Revell), 1981.
4. 4. Ecclesiastes is a book that is addressed as things appear "under the sun" (Ecc. 1:3,9,14, etc.). In fact, the phrase "under the sun" occurs 29 times in Ecclesiastes, a book written from the human perspective that boldly states that all is vanity.
5. 5. Louw, Johannes P. and Eugene A. Nida, Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament based on Semantic Domains, (New York: United Bible Societies), 1988, 1989.

http://www.carm.org/hell


This was taken from Matt Slick's CARM site. I read through it and it intrigued me. Basically, Hell is a real place. It is also a place I never want to go. The Article was written by Matt Slick (references included)..I'm just merely doing a cross-post. I take no credit for this, just wanted to make people more aware of the realities of such a horrid place.

God bless and love,
Susan

Just some Random Videos I watched today

A bit of the kind of music I like..but just touches the iceberg...lol


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DUT5rEU6pqM Shakira ~ Hips Don't Lie

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Urdlvw0SSEc Alicia Keys ~ Fallin'



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FJfFZqTlWrQ P!nk ~ So What

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR4yQFZK9YM P!nk ~ Stupid Girls

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mW1dbiD_zDk ~ Get the Party Started

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=66LnhtnSoKc ~There You go

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DL7-CKirWZE New Radicals ~ You Get What You Give

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K-Uz-dPANDY Terence Trent D'arby ~ Wishing Well

Brain Malfunction

Well, this is my first blog on this site and I've really not written a blog in a very long time. I used to keep one at my myspace but I haven't even check that in so long, I don't even remember the last thing I even posted on there, honestly. Life has gotten a bit crazy as of late and I haven't had a lot of time to just sit back and relax without worrying so much. Yes, I know that worry is about as effective as chewing a piece of gum to solve an algebraic equation.
Just a summarized version of everything, I've been dealing with sickness and pain for the past few years now. I didn't know exactly what was going on. I was told that I just had migraines that were severe and there was no other explanation after having CAT Scans, MRIs, and Gastrointestinal tests, blood tests (I'm sure that I've had ...Lord I can't tell you the amount of viles I've had extracted from my veins), and all that sort of thing. To make a long story short, I've been diagnosed with what they call an Arachnoid Cyst which is in the posterior fossa on the right side (back of the brain) and there it sits at a size of 3.5cm x 3.0 cm. At first, they told me that this surely couldn't be the cause of all my problems but I beg to differ. There are over 1,000 people world wide that have this same thing with the same symptoms. I stumbled upon this site when I first found out about it, decided to do my own research. I mean. you got something on your brain how could it not be causing some sort of problems. So, right now I'm going through a lot of tests because I do have numbness, black outs, and that of the like accompanying them. I'm in the search for a doctor that will get the fluid off my brain so I can function like I used to be able to.
The good news is that this thing is not cancer. Its benign. Its there, it shouldn't be there, and I want it gone. I don't want just any doctor getting in my head so I'm being carefully and incredibly choosy over who I do go to for the surgery.
I'm not really that depressed that its there, I'm more sad honestly because I find myself not being able to do the things that at one time I never had a problem with doing. Its just strange how frail our bodies are. One moment, you're strong and feel as if you can take on any thing that life throws at you. Some days, I don't really feel that strong but I will fight this thing and will get it taken care of. In the end, I'm not giving up hope and even at my worst, I think and believe that God will see me through this in some shape or form. After all, He is in control of everything. :-)
Now, don't get me wrong. From a human standpoint at times, I do get sad about it but that is only a passing moment. Things will work out for the best and according to His plan.
In any case, that's pretty much what I'm dealing with at this point. Just taking one day at a time and doing the best that I possibly can. My mother always did say that she was proud of me as long as I did my best...and that ...at this point in my life..is exactly what I'm trying to do.
Keeping my faith in God, loving Him and Jesus and the Holy Spirit, clinging to my family and the best friends I could ever hope to have. Love is a powerful thing and can walk through fire without blinking.
Until next time, love Susan.
http://arachnoidcyst1.com/articles.html
The above is a link to the Arachnoid Cyst support group and forum that I've joined. Many wonderful people there.