So, I know that its been a few weeks since I've posted a blog and kept up with it like I was "going" to. I feel not so good about that, but the thing is: things have gotten BUSY. Basically, here's the low down. I got cut to part time and they're making me stick to the 32 hours a week thing now. That in itself would make one think: "Well, you have more time to blog." Totally not the case. I still go in, I still give it all when even I think I can't, and I've been pushing myself like a mad-woman. I'm totally refusing to let my sickness get me down and I am a bit of a hardhead and as stubborn as the day is long. I've got a ton of goals and I am rather excited about each and every one of them. I have a great job with wonderful people and it is a very physical job. I am a Customer Service Manager/Stocker/Paint Mixer/anything you want me to do there, I'll do it and if I don't know how? I'll get someone to show me. I love to work, which is why I decided to take on a part time gig. Yeah, "Ding dong" I'm your friendly Avon lady and know what? I adore every minute of it. I love selling makeup, accessories, lotions, and all sorts of different things. I never knew we sold actual housewares type things. Pretty nifty, if I do say so. Then there's the other goal and I am bound and determined to finish this goal I've had for over a decade now. I am 36 hours away from my associate's degree in Business Management. This quarter, I am taking Accounting which is so very confusing to me and considering the fact I get confused easy, well you understand my dilemma, right? So, my bestie here in Franklin came over this morning and I understand it a bit better than I did. I totally appreciate him helping. Marketing isn't as hard though. I know what retail stores and businesses are pretty much about. After all, I've been in retail for the past 12 years now. Pretty long time, eh? Kroger for six and Wal*Mart now for about six-ish (take away 45 days). Anyways, I plan on finishing that goal up pretty quick but going to go ahead and go for a Bachelor's. Who knows? I might want to get certified as a massage therapist.
The other personal goals of mine as far as my life goes outside of business and education. There are about three or four things I would love to accomplish. Call it my Bucket List or whatever you want, but they are things I want and desire to do. I have twelve songs I've written out and I've decided to go for a concept feel for it. I do sing in a bluesy kind of a way and I am reteaching myself the bass as much as I can (when I get it out of layaway). I used to know the scales and all that sorta thing, but its been awhile. I do have that desire to collaborate with a group of people who are serious enough to complete this with me if they so wish.
The other thing I wanna do is finish this movie I've written out as a story and script. Its really good and I don't really wanna give much away but its pretty much about this girl who's about to lose her mother to cancer and is willing to do anything possible to save her. I would also like to become more involved in my drawing/paintings because I do love doing that so much.
One thing is for sure through all these dreams, endeavors, goals, and hopes is that they are mine and I have had the want to do each and everyone of them for so very long. It might take 2 years, it might take 20, but hopefully they will all become a reality.
Until next time and thanks for reading this. I'm not even sure anyone out there does but its good to have this to type out my ideas when the moment strikes.
God bless and have a wonderful week everyone! Love <3
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Anger
I'm just going to make this one very short, mostly because I'm really exhausted. The last three days now, I've felt absolutely horrible. My cyst has decided to send me spiraling through another whirlwind. I hate it when it does that because it makes my entire body hurt and leaves me feeling drained. I hate the way it makes me so nauseated and everything. I am trying to keep my head up through it all though and am hoping through every bit of hope and prayers that the doctor in LA will agree to drain this thing away from me so I can have my life back and perhaps salvage what's left of it. I am really thankful to those who support me in this and have my back because it truly does mean so much to me. I just want the pressure in my head to go away so I can concentrate on what normal young adults concentrate on. Work, finishing school, and that of the like. I have done nothing but sleep the last few days and haven't felt like doing much at all. I worry about a lot of things. I am coming to the realization slowly that I can't do what I did five years ago. Its a hard pill to swallow to realize that your body isn't what it used to be. It gets really depressing when you wake up and want to do certain things but then, the pain hits and instead of finishing getting ready for work, you're hovered over a toilet getting sick. You try to make your body knock it off, but it doesn't. Maybe one day this pain will stop and I sure do hope its soon because, even though I am rather strong, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
And also, since this is my blog and I know that I normally don't say things like this, but I will exercise my Freedom of Speech. To the jerk doctor that said my cyst wasn't causing my problems or my symptoms, that I was just wasting my time trying to get something done about it, and that it was filled with saltwater? Here's a big f*** you, Mister. I wish you would have been there when I had a seizure in my car. I wish you were here every time I can't control my body, every time I throw up, every I am in pain. So, really, screw you you stupid asshole for over-talking me and not listening to a damned word I said. I will never forget the way you treated me you sorry excuse for a doctor.
And also, since this is my blog and I know that I normally don't say things like this, but I will exercise my Freedom of Speech. To the jerk doctor that said my cyst wasn't causing my problems or my symptoms, that I was just wasting my time trying to get something done about it, and that it was filled with saltwater? Here's a big f*** you, Mister. I wish you would have been there when I had a seizure in my car. I wish you were here every time I can't control my body, every time I throw up, every I am in pain. So, really, screw you you stupid asshole for over-talking me and not listening to a damned word I said. I will never forget the way you treated me you sorry excuse for a doctor.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Waking Up
Then, I see in the news of a major earthquake in Japan and it apparently spawned a Tsunami. I am praying for these people and I hate to see that that has happened to them. Its devastating and wish I could do something to help them. There is so much pain and suffering in the world and I just wish and pray that all these burdens will somehow be lightened.
Last night I started my on VYou account which is exciting to me. I hope to be able to keep that up as well. Its basically a video site where people as you questions and you answer them by interacting through video. Its fun and so far I've got five video responses I've done. For someone as shy as I am, its kinda cool that I've sort of broken out of my shell in that respect.
In any case, I'm going to get started on my day and hope that I can get something accomplished. Have a wonderful Friday everyone and God bless. Please keep Lucy and the people in Japan in your prayers.
~Susan
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Hope
Today was absolutely insane. I feel as if I have literally been going for 24 hours straight. I worked last night and the truck was pretty big and we had not enough people apparently. We are supposed to be getting more people on our shift to help stock and I think that's great. Hopefully, the new folks will work out and it will solve that problem. Work was work. I did pharmacy last night and it took a good while to do. I got my area done but it left me pretty tired. That's not anything new though really, work is supposed to make one tired and Wal*Mart surely does that.
Other than that, I came home about 8:30 after talking with Otey and Jessica after work in the parking lot and for some reason the song "Walmart parking lot" kept running through my mind at the time. I got home and things were so insanely busy. I don't want to go into so much detail at the moment because the subject matter is far from good, but I will say that people can surprise you. A lot of times, the people you think you know can turn out to be someone totally different.
After what happened this morning, I began to question the human nature and the motives. I wonder exactly if people have any sort of decency in them and then my question was answered. A little girl that is 5 years old from my home town of Covington, TN has gotten a horrid form of brain cancer. She is currently going through a lot of surgery at lebonheur in Memphis. The way Covington is pulling for this young lady is nothing less than amazing and brings about so many emotions. They formed a prayer meeting last week, paying no mind to the pending weather of rain, and joined together as the community that I love and know. They prayed for this little girl, asking our Father in Heaven for HIs blessings and mercy on this young girl. The little girl even missed her 5th year birthday party she had looked so forward to, but the children and community got together and made her a wonderful video and they gave her the best birthday they could possibly give. I read the mother's blog about her Lucy's illness and I couldn't keep my emotions in. I hardly ever cry anymore, even when I'm alone. The things this lady is feeling, dealing with, and experiencing with her daughter and the trials she's facing brought me to tears. She has a lot on on her plate, her and her family, but this woman keeps her eyes on God and prays, keeping her faith strong in Him. Our Lord is so wonderful to touch our hearts like that, enabling us to believe in Him. In Him, we have hope when sometimes we feel like there is no hope left to give. We have faith that things will get better and we love unconditionally, through the good or the bad. I am going to keep my thoughts, prayers, and support for this family going and Miss Lucy. No one should ever have to deal with the cancer she is fighting, I watched my own mother and grandmother go through it(of course, they were different forms), but to see a little baby go through it tears my heart in two. I will pray and pray hard, please pray for her too.
This morning, I was undoubtedly questioning the human nature and how one can do something so hurtful. This evening, I am sitting in awe and my tears of so many emotions that there is so much love outpouring for a family and their daughter.
God bless you all and sleep well.
With love and hope,
Susan
Other than that, I came home about 8:30 after talking with Otey and Jessica after work in the parking lot and for some reason the song "Walmart parking lot" kept running through my mind at the time. I got home and things were so insanely busy. I don't want to go into so much detail at the moment because the subject matter is far from good, but I will say that people can surprise you. A lot of times, the people you think you know can turn out to be someone totally different.
After what happened this morning, I began to question the human nature and the motives. I wonder exactly if people have any sort of decency in them and then my question was answered. A little girl that is 5 years old from my home town of Covington, TN has gotten a horrid form of brain cancer. She is currently going through a lot of surgery at lebonheur in Memphis. The way Covington is pulling for this young lady is nothing less than amazing and brings about so many emotions. They formed a prayer meeting last week, paying no mind to the pending weather of rain, and joined together as the community that I love and know. They prayed for this little girl, asking our Father in Heaven for HIs blessings and mercy on this young girl. The little girl even missed her 5th year birthday party she had looked so forward to, but the children and community got together and made her a wonderful video and they gave her the best birthday they could possibly give. I read the mother's blog about her Lucy's illness and I couldn't keep my emotions in. I hardly ever cry anymore, even when I'm alone. The things this lady is feeling, dealing with, and experiencing with her daughter and the trials she's facing brought me to tears. She has a lot on on her plate, her and her family, but this woman keeps her eyes on God and prays, keeping her faith strong in Him. Our Lord is so wonderful to touch our hearts like that, enabling us to believe in Him. In Him, we have hope when sometimes we feel like there is no hope left to give. We have faith that things will get better and we love unconditionally, through the good or the bad. I am going to keep my thoughts, prayers, and support for this family going and Miss Lucy. No one should ever have to deal with the cancer she is fighting, I watched my own mother and grandmother go through it(of course, they were different forms), but to see a little baby go through it tears my heart in two. I will pray and pray hard, please pray for her too.
This morning, I was undoubtedly questioning the human nature and how one can do something so hurtful. This evening, I am sitting in awe and my tears of so many emotions that there is so much love outpouring for a family and their daughter.
God bless you all and sleep well.
With love and hope,
Susan
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
The Highlights
So, after working from 10pm - 7am last night, going over Jessica and Chris' to see the couch/loveseat (which I love and am so grateful they're willing to give it to me), and going to my 9:00 hair appointment, I am sitting down after eating and relaxing for a few seconds before sleep calls me for tonight's work. My hair is amazing. I love what Corine did with it and I am going to be a regular customer of her's from now on. She did everything just right and was very nice. I honestly didn't expect it to last till noon and making it a three hour process but I did undergo quite the overhaul with my very mismanaged locks. After I got out of there, I went to McDonald's and got a value meal. I figured it was quick, easy, and after all, I was exhausted and had no intention of cooking a thing, which leads me to now.
So, I'm talking to one of my best friends ever and we are on the subject of McDonald's and junk food making people overweight. I do have every intention, as we all have good intentions, of losing weight. Its not that I'm horrid but I would love to be at a reasonable and nice weight at some point during my life. Logically, I know that soda pop and fast food aren't going to get me losing weight but only gaining more pounds. I do have bouts where I try really hard and then, I break with the "Oh, just this one time." It couldn't hurt...then...another time happens..then me going...Oh to heck with it.
I wish sometimes I had enough focus and willpower to do it. Its not entirely about "looking good" but I don't really want a heart attack or diabetes so it lies more in those lines. Plus, not to use it as an excuse but sometimes my little spider zit decides to act nasty to me and lays me out sometimes, which means I don't exercise when it does that.
Just because I need sleep for work tonight, I will end simply with this. The new haircut I got is amazing and I would really like to put forth a better effort in drinking more water, exercising, and all that...only time will tell if my mind stays with me and keeps the focus. But hey, I gotta try, right?
*Trying to keep up with this blog everyday this month...its kinda working so far, right? lol*
So, I'm talking to one of my best friends ever and we are on the subject of McDonald's and junk food making people overweight. I do have every intention, as we all have good intentions, of losing weight. Its not that I'm horrid but I would love to be at a reasonable and nice weight at some point during my life. Logically, I know that soda pop and fast food aren't going to get me losing weight but only gaining more pounds. I do have bouts where I try really hard and then, I break with the "Oh, just this one time." It couldn't hurt...then...another time happens..then me going...Oh to heck with it.
I wish sometimes I had enough focus and willpower to do it. Its not entirely about "looking good" but I don't really want a heart attack or diabetes so it lies more in those lines. Plus, not to use it as an excuse but sometimes my little spider zit decides to act nasty to me and lays me out sometimes, which means I don't exercise when it does that.
Just because I need sleep for work tonight, I will end simply with this. The new haircut I got is amazing and I would really like to put forth a better effort in drinking more water, exercising, and all that...only time will tell if my mind stays with me and keeps the focus. But hey, I gotta try, right?
*Trying to keep up with this blog everyday this month...its kinda working so far, right? lol*
Monday, March 7, 2011
Monday, Monday
Last night was strange going back to work after being out a week sick. Mostly because I hadn't slept at all that day and I was starting to get really tired but all in all, I can't really complain that much. For some reason, I can't sleep right now which is very strange considering I've been up since 9:00am yesterday and I do have to go back and work third shift again tonight. Its not that bad, its just strange trying to readjust yourself after sleeping like a "daywalker" for a week and everything. Anyways, it was great seeing every last night and I think we got a lot accomplished.
On the home front, I have made a lot of progress and I am totally thanking God for that. I paid off four different bills and hit the Walmart Credit Card with a major payment and knocked it out of the water. I pretty much have everything this month paid for except my car insurance and light bill. I have two more checks coming this month from Wally World (The place where I work:-) ) so that should do it. Just feels good to have a handle on my bills and making progress. I think its cool how my husband had me write them out each month, showing the APR and balances of each. Its really made me buckle down on them.
Other than that, the next few weeks are going to be busy because with being sick myself and the unfortunate thing that happened a couple Thursdays ago, it knocked me for a loop. So, the snow, making an emergency trip (which I'm not complaining because it was good to see dad, just wish it was under better circumstances), and me getting sick: I am very behind on my school work. Luckily though, I did call my psychology teacher yesterday and she said she'd work with me so I'll be working hard in that class and trying to do the sheets for Mr. Vaughan's class, too. Its going to be hard but I don't like giving up. It makes me feel strange. Hopefully things will settle down soon.
I did get my Avon caught up and everybody's orders should be here by tomorrow I am hoping so I get them to my customers there. I do really enjoy selling Avon because its just fun and exciting. I'm actually considering ordering the Anew line and the hair products for full volume. Just wanting to start taking better care of myself and get my health up to par, really. I even made a hair appointment for tomorrow to get a really nice cut and colour done to it at 9:00a.m.
I feel as if I'm just rambling now so I'll come to a close. Nothing thought provoking in this one so much, I suppose. Just a little entry about my weekend and night last night of what I've been up to. Oh, and if anyone is reading this? I am starting my own little VYou.com channel. Basically, its a great way to interact with people and think that's awesome because I don't see my family and friends from down home so much. I figured that at least this way, they can still see me and its like we're having a conversation. I'll post the intro video (shooting for) Wednesday here and starting it. So, here's the link to that and if you want to ask me a question which I will be answering via webcam, shoot me one and I'll answer the best I can :-)
Until then, have a great day and week. God bless and happy monday!
~Susan
*Late New Year's resolution* I am actually going to try and write a blog every day this month and keep up with it better.
Love, peace, and happiness my friends!
http://vyou.com/whitef0x82 *Note: Make sure that after you type your message and send it, to hit the pink submit button so I'll get your question*
On the home front, I have made a lot of progress and I am totally thanking God for that. I paid off four different bills and hit the Walmart Credit Card with a major payment and knocked it out of the water. I pretty much have everything this month paid for except my car insurance and light bill. I have two more checks coming this month from Wally World (The place where I work:-) ) so that should do it. Just feels good to have a handle on my bills and making progress. I think its cool how my husband had me write them out each month, showing the APR and balances of each. Its really made me buckle down on them.
Other than that, the next few weeks are going to be busy because with being sick myself and the unfortunate thing that happened a couple Thursdays ago, it knocked me for a loop. So, the snow, making an emergency trip (which I'm not complaining because it was good to see dad, just wish it was under better circumstances), and me getting sick: I am very behind on my school work. Luckily though, I did call my psychology teacher yesterday and she said she'd work with me so I'll be working hard in that class and trying to do the sheets for Mr. Vaughan's class, too. Its going to be hard but I don't like giving up. It makes me feel strange. Hopefully things will settle down soon.
I did get my Avon caught up and everybody's orders should be here by tomorrow I am hoping so I get them to my customers there. I do really enjoy selling Avon because its just fun and exciting. I'm actually considering ordering the Anew line and the hair products for full volume. Just wanting to start taking better care of myself and get my health up to par, really. I even made a hair appointment for tomorrow to get a really nice cut and colour done to it at 9:00a.m.
I feel as if I'm just rambling now so I'll come to a close. Nothing thought provoking in this one so much, I suppose. Just a little entry about my weekend and night last night of what I've been up to. Oh, and if anyone is reading this? I am starting my own little VYou.com channel. Basically, its a great way to interact with people and think that's awesome because I don't see my family and friends from down home so much. I figured that at least this way, they can still see me and its like we're having a conversation. I'll post the intro video (shooting for) Wednesday here and starting it. So, here's the link to that and if you want to ask me a question which I will be answering via webcam, shoot me one and I'll answer the best I can :-)
Until then, have a great day and week. God bless and happy monday!
~Susan
*Late New Year's resolution* I am actually going to try and write a blog every day this month and keep up with it better.
Love, peace, and happiness my friends!
http://vyou.com/whitef0x82 *Note: Make sure that after you type your message and send it, to hit the pink submit button so I'll get your question*
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Trust
How do I begin a piece on such a small,five letter word? A word that has taken up most of my thoughts of today, in truth. Its something that a lot of people find such a rare thing in others, even more so rare than love I think and I have been thinking on it. When you're a child, everything is plausible and you take the word of your parents or the adults around you as infallible. When they tell you that Santa Clause is a very real person who comes each year at night on one special day of the year to leave you gifts, you are young. You are innocent and you have no reason not to believe that could possibly not be so. The first time you get a cut that you remember and you believe that it won't hurt because that adult (doctor, parent, whatever), but the sting comes into play and you think to yourself,"That did actually hurt there." The little things that start to make you question whether or not you should trust happen, you arch a brow when you don't entirely believe what someone is telling you, and then one day, you find yourself in a place in your mind. You're surrounded by walls and walls of solid concrete filled with cement that you've built around your mind and your heart. You have began the process of not trusting so much, being skeptical, and starting to not let people in so much as you once did so many years ago.
Oh, I have reasons why I don't trust as readily as I once did. I am getting better at it, but its still a very long and winding road. I suppose the first time I really began to build the walls around my heart is when I had lost my mother. Of course, the pain of losing her was great but it was not that in itself that made me stop trusting. I knew God would more than likely take her because I did pray to Him a certain prayer at one point during her illness. No, this had something to do that happened after the fact. It stemmed from the notion that I wanted someone I could let it in. I possibly could befriend and have someone I could be close to.
As a child and a teenager, I was far from outgoing or popular in any sense of the word. I was very quiet, shy, and kept to myself. There was one person, though, that I took interest in that I decided to let in more than others. To make a very long story short, lets just say that I thought that this person was truly my friend and cared for me. I trusted him. I found out, though, that it was only because he happened to feel "sorry" and "pity" for me that he gave me the time of day. In truth, that very well shattered me and made me go all the more quiet. It was very hard for me to open up. It started to make the ability for me to trust not that easy anymore.
I've been through many other things that, of course, I won't go into too much detail. I've had my share of heartaches, bad relationships, and yes, even abuse. I did get out though so its all good and fine nowadays. The point of me writing this, though, is to work out my thought process. You see, I have so many reasons, just like any human on the face of this planet, not to trust at all. I guess, sometimes, I can be a bit on the naive side and childlike in some ways even though I am pushing 30 years old. I'm not quite there yet, but it is creeping up on me. I could have never let Gary inside and cried on his shoulder. I could have never let Otey know half the things he knows about me. I could have never even let a man that I have never even touched or have been in the same room with know every single thing about me but I know I love him and trust him greatly. I could have, and if this were about 11 or so years ago when I was 18, I wouldn't have. When I was between the ages of about 16 to 19, I'd sooner look at the ground than make eye contact or cast you a smile. Now though, I think its better to cast that stranger a smile. To tell someone a kind word, even though some days I hurt so bad I feel I should just lay in bed and close out the world. I could never trust again as long as I live but I would be missing out on so much.
I have been jaded, hurt, misguided, and trampled upon. I do not hold grudges against those that have done those things to me because in a strange, odd sort of way: it has made me the woman I am right now at this very moment in time.
So, the question is that I have been going over in my mixed up mind is how do you get someone to trust that has been seemingly far more hurt than you have? The answer. I have to go back to what my mother would have said I suppose. Patience, love, and kindness. Be there for them. Hold them when they need someone. There is a lot of time and I like to think that I have the patience. You do things like that not out of "pity" or because you feel "sorry" for them. You hold them when they need it, you make them laugh when they are about to cry, and you take their heart in your hands and you hold it like its the most delicate thing on this planet. You do all of those things because of a smaller word: love.
How does someone sum up love and trust? Love can't be touched or tasted. You can't do that with trust either. You can feel it in the deep, dark recesses of your heart and soul though. Once you have it, don't let it go and cherish that moment. Protect it with all you have. Love, true love, not a romantic thing here I'm talking about. Love that you know would do anything under the sun to protect, to see you through the pain and the good, through the rough times and the good times, and to stand at your side no matter what. Trust that is unwavering and wouldn't tell you "feel good" things just to make you feel great. Trust isn't making someone feel important to make yourself feel important because for a moment in time you felt sorry for a certain individual and you thought they'd be a good charity case. No, no, a thousand...a million times no...Trust is holding on to that person so tight and telling them the truth but showing them compassion in the darkness of it all. You let them know that no matter how bad it seems, under no circumstance are they alone in this crazy thing we call life. You do all you can to protect that person from what you can and what you can't, you stand there right beside them and you face that fire right alongside them.
If you find that, keep it....because it is very well one of the best things in this world and no amount of money can buy that. You know, I believe trust and love are very much one in the same...such small words, but they have such a great meaning and story behind them.
Oh, I have reasons why I don't trust as readily as I once did. I am getting better at it, but its still a very long and winding road. I suppose the first time I really began to build the walls around my heart is when I had lost my mother. Of course, the pain of losing her was great but it was not that in itself that made me stop trusting. I knew God would more than likely take her because I did pray to Him a certain prayer at one point during her illness. No, this had something to do that happened after the fact. It stemmed from the notion that I wanted someone I could let it in. I possibly could befriend and have someone I could be close to.
As a child and a teenager, I was far from outgoing or popular in any sense of the word. I was very quiet, shy, and kept to myself. There was one person, though, that I took interest in that I decided to let in more than others. To make a very long story short, lets just say that I thought that this person was truly my friend and cared for me. I trusted him. I found out, though, that it was only because he happened to feel "sorry" and "pity" for me that he gave me the time of day. In truth, that very well shattered me and made me go all the more quiet. It was very hard for me to open up. It started to make the ability for me to trust not that easy anymore.
I've been through many other things that, of course, I won't go into too much detail. I've had my share of heartaches, bad relationships, and yes, even abuse. I did get out though so its all good and fine nowadays. The point of me writing this, though, is to work out my thought process. You see, I have so many reasons, just like any human on the face of this planet, not to trust at all. I guess, sometimes, I can be a bit on the naive side and childlike in some ways even though I am pushing 30 years old. I'm not quite there yet, but it is creeping up on me. I could have never let Gary inside and cried on his shoulder. I could have never let Otey know half the things he knows about me. I could have never even let a man that I have never even touched or have been in the same room with know every single thing about me but I know I love him and trust him greatly. I could have, and if this were about 11 or so years ago when I was 18, I wouldn't have. When I was between the ages of about 16 to 19, I'd sooner look at the ground than make eye contact or cast you a smile. Now though, I think its better to cast that stranger a smile. To tell someone a kind word, even though some days I hurt so bad I feel I should just lay in bed and close out the world. I could never trust again as long as I live but I would be missing out on so much.
I have been jaded, hurt, misguided, and trampled upon. I do not hold grudges against those that have done those things to me because in a strange, odd sort of way: it has made me the woman I am right now at this very moment in time.
So, the question is that I have been going over in my mixed up mind is how do you get someone to trust that has been seemingly far more hurt than you have? The answer. I have to go back to what my mother would have said I suppose. Patience, love, and kindness. Be there for them. Hold them when they need someone. There is a lot of time and I like to think that I have the patience. You do things like that not out of "pity" or because you feel "sorry" for them. You hold them when they need it, you make them laugh when they are about to cry, and you take their heart in your hands and you hold it like its the most delicate thing on this planet. You do all of those things because of a smaller word: love.
How does someone sum up love and trust? Love can't be touched or tasted. You can't do that with trust either. You can feel it in the deep, dark recesses of your heart and soul though. Once you have it, don't let it go and cherish that moment. Protect it with all you have. Love, true love, not a romantic thing here I'm talking about. Love that you know would do anything under the sun to protect, to see you through the pain and the good, through the rough times and the good times, and to stand at your side no matter what. Trust that is unwavering and wouldn't tell you "feel good" things just to make you feel great. Trust isn't making someone feel important to make yourself feel important because for a moment in time you felt sorry for a certain individual and you thought they'd be a good charity case. No, no, a thousand...a million times no...Trust is holding on to that person so tight and telling them the truth but showing them compassion in the darkness of it all. You let them know that no matter how bad it seems, under no circumstance are they alone in this crazy thing we call life. You do all you can to protect that person from what you can and what you can't, you stand there right beside them and you face that fire right alongside them.
If you find that, keep it....because it is very well one of the best things in this world and no amount of money can buy that. You know, I believe trust and love are very much one in the same...such small words, but they have such a great meaning and story behind them.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Uncomfortably Numb
The alarm clock summoned me awake as it normally does before I have to go to work at night. I thought I would be fine, took my shower, got ready, and headed out the door. I could feel my arms and legs growing weaker with each step I took to the door, then to the car, then driving, and to the time clock. My head would have that strange, yet familiar feeling like its being pushed in and I'm about to pass out. I would love to just close my eyes and let the blackness over take me.
I had that same thought the other day when, still I hate to even admit what happened. If I write it out, its so much more different. Writing it out, means it has to be so rather than saying it out loud in my world. In my world, words that are written make it so for some odd reason. I am still trying to come to grips that merely three days ago I did have a seizure. My body, I had no control over it. I wanted it to stop, but I couldn't make it just stop. It kept on. My eyes wanted to shut but I kept them open. In my mind, the only thing that made sense to me was getting home to Gary where I would be safe. I still have no clue how I even made it home. I just know I did. Everything is a blur about that afternoon. At the risk of being too graphic, I do know that I threw up on myself, who knows how many times, in the car then when I got home and finally I went to bed.
The last few days have left me feeling incredibly weak. I don't have much energy at all. The lightheaded feeling I have is unreal and I am writing all this down so I don't forget. My balance is off, I have this strange ringing in my ears, and I just don't feel like Susan. The part of me, the old me, that is left in this shell wanted to go to work. Its what you have to do so I did. I got there and I felt just as bad as when I left. I thought it might pass, but it did not. I helped break down the dairy truck, which at one point in my life, I could do by myself in less than an hour on any given night. I was finding myself relying on the strength of my coworkers. I was dependent on them to lift the heavy things, to pull the pallets, and to do the things that I could do half asleep and had done so many times before. Vickie had asked if I could help her lift a pallet, which I thought no problem with. She was going backwards and I was going forwards. Well, somehow, the pallet hit the bunker and made her drop it. The pallet landed on my foot. I opened my mouth to say ow, but I was shocked. Why? I didn't feel it. I felt no pain. I have no feeling in my hands or legs. They are numb. A pallet that was quite heavy landed on my now bruised foot but I felt absolutely nothing. Can someone explain that to me?
I told my bosses that I needed to go home, so I left at lunch time. I tried to make it but I couldn't. The more I went on, the worse I felt in all honesty, but that goes without saying really.
I do know that this arachnoid cyst has now decided to add not only numbness to my extremities, nausea, balance issues, weakness, but now seizures. In a word to describe my feelings: terrified. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared to death. I don't remember how I got home the other day. I had no control over my body. I threw up. I couldn't stop shaking. I have no feeling in my hands or feet. I am numb. I am also angry. I have a thing in my head that is 3.5 cm x 3.5 cm in size on my posterior fossa and all these doctors can say is that its incidental, I've had it since birth. Well, great. But the thing is causing me trouble now. Don't wait until I'm having..oh wait? Seizures? Hello? Looks like that's happening, um..now-ish?
Let me put it out there like this: **WARNING: VENT SESSION**
No more than five years ago when I started Wal*Mart, I could stock with the best of them and, not to sound too horribly arrogant, I was damned good at my job. I could get an aisle done so quick it was unreal. I could run an entire dairy department, milk included and on a good night turn back-stock without breaking a sweat. Then, I'd come home and cook my husband a meal and clean the house and take care of business on the home-front. DO these doctors not understand how horrible it pains me to know and to come to the sad realization that I can't do this anymore? Do they need someone to slap them to understand that its not my damned snoring or whatever else they wanna cook up in their heads that's causing these symptoms? I have a CYST in my frakkin' head.
In any case, I do realize that I have been to Bowling Green, Nashville, and even all the way to the other side of Kentucky to find help. They have all said the same thing so, my friends, forgive me when I hear "you need to go to the doctor" I don't jump on the ball. You can only hear so many times that "Its all in your head. Its always going to be there. Its never going to change. Its asymptomatic." That one gets a bit weary of going to a doctor. However, if I found one that was across country and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that doctor would be so gracious enough to cut a dime sized whole in my head, drain it, and put me back together again, I would do it. Well, the optimistic side of me is really hoping that this search I've done has found that but the other part of me that's dealt with what I have for the past few years is skeptical. It doesn't mean I won't try though. I know I'm being vague, so here's what I'm talking about. There is a doctor I've found that is not hesitant, apparently, in LA that will do surgery on the arachnoid cysts. He admits they cause problems and does phone consultations. I will be asking my husband what he thinks and I am very, very, very willing to travel that far to get relief because I do want my life back. I want that old Susan back....and I am willing to do anything it takes, Lord willing, to do just that. The video below is about the doctor..Lets hope and pray it works out with him...
I had that same thought the other day when, still I hate to even admit what happened. If I write it out, its so much more different. Writing it out, means it has to be so rather than saying it out loud in my world. In my world, words that are written make it so for some odd reason. I am still trying to come to grips that merely three days ago I did have a seizure. My body, I had no control over it. I wanted it to stop, but I couldn't make it just stop. It kept on. My eyes wanted to shut but I kept them open. In my mind, the only thing that made sense to me was getting home to Gary where I would be safe. I still have no clue how I even made it home. I just know I did. Everything is a blur about that afternoon. At the risk of being too graphic, I do know that I threw up on myself, who knows how many times, in the car then when I got home and finally I went to bed.
The last few days have left me feeling incredibly weak. I don't have much energy at all. The lightheaded feeling I have is unreal and I am writing all this down so I don't forget. My balance is off, I have this strange ringing in my ears, and I just don't feel like Susan. The part of me, the old me, that is left in this shell wanted to go to work. Its what you have to do so I did. I got there and I felt just as bad as when I left. I thought it might pass, but it did not. I helped break down the dairy truck, which at one point in my life, I could do by myself in less than an hour on any given night. I was finding myself relying on the strength of my coworkers. I was dependent on them to lift the heavy things, to pull the pallets, and to do the things that I could do half asleep and had done so many times before. Vickie had asked if I could help her lift a pallet, which I thought no problem with. She was going backwards and I was going forwards. Well, somehow, the pallet hit the bunker and made her drop it. The pallet landed on my foot. I opened my mouth to say ow, but I was shocked. Why? I didn't feel it. I felt no pain. I have no feeling in my hands or legs. They are numb. A pallet that was quite heavy landed on my now bruised foot but I felt absolutely nothing. Can someone explain that to me?
I told my bosses that I needed to go home, so I left at lunch time. I tried to make it but I couldn't. The more I went on, the worse I felt in all honesty, but that goes without saying really.
I do know that this arachnoid cyst has now decided to add not only numbness to my extremities, nausea, balance issues, weakness, but now seizures. In a word to describe my feelings: terrified. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared to death. I don't remember how I got home the other day. I had no control over my body. I threw up. I couldn't stop shaking. I have no feeling in my hands or feet. I am numb. I am also angry. I have a thing in my head that is 3.5 cm x 3.5 cm in size on my posterior fossa and all these doctors can say is that its incidental, I've had it since birth. Well, great. But the thing is causing me trouble now. Don't wait until I'm having..oh wait? Seizures? Hello? Looks like that's happening, um..now-ish?
Let me put it out there like this: **WARNING: VENT SESSION**
No more than five years ago when I started Wal*Mart, I could stock with the best of them and, not to sound too horribly arrogant, I was damned good at my job. I could get an aisle done so quick it was unreal. I could run an entire dairy department, milk included and on a good night turn back-stock without breaking a sweat. Then, I'd come home and cook my husband a meal and clean the house and take care of business on the home-front. DO these doctors not understand how horrible it pains me to know and to come to the sad realization that I can't do this anymore? Do they need someone to slap them to understand that its not my damned snoring or whatever else they wanna cook up in their heads that's causing these symptoms? I have a CYST in my frakkin' head.
In any case, I do realize that I have been to Bowling Green, Nashville, and even all the way to the other side of Kentucky to find help. They have all said the same thing so, my friends, forgive me when I hear "you need to go to the doctor" I don't jump on the ball. You can only hear so many times that "Its all in your head. Its always going to be there. Its never going to change. Its asymptomatic." That one gets a bit weary of going to a doctor. However, if I found one that was across country and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that doctor would be so gracious enough to cut a dime sized whole in my head, drain it, and put me back together again, I would do it. Well, the optimistic side of me is really hoping that this search I've done has found that but the other part of me that's dealt with what I have for the past few years is skeptical. It doesn't mean I won't try though. I know I'm being vague, so here's what I'm talking about. There is a doctor I've found that is not hesitant, apparently, in LA that will do surgery on the arachnoid cysts. He admits they cause problems and does phone consultations. I will be asking my husband what he thinks and I am very, very, very willing to travel that far to get relief because I do want my life back. I want that old Susan back....and I am willing to do anything it takes, Lord willing, to do just that. The video below is about the doctor..Lets hope and pray it works out with him...
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Yourself, or someone like you....
So, the last few days have been really weird. I was all gung ho about my days off this week to get caught up on school and housecleaning but that obviously didn't happen. Wednesday I rested up and slept a grand total of 14 hours and got up in plenty of time to go to school Thursday, which I did, but I somehow got sick pretty bad at school. My hands were shaking, had a great deal of nausea, and just felt horrible. I got my work from my teacher and drove home, which I'm still not quite sure how I did but I did. I went to sleep about 4 that afternoon finally and didn't wake up till 8 Friday morning and did manage to go to my eye doctor appointment. My husband drove me there and I was actually happy about that because I didn't feel like driving to or from there.
The eye doctor said my eyes were fine and they hadn't changed, so I got the same prescription on my contacts and she said that my eyes were a good candidate for LASIK. She gave me a referral to Dr. Loden in Goodlettsville, so we'll see how all that goes. First and foremost, my teeth have to take priority because three of my wisdom teeth have decided to cut through which is just a barrel of monkeys.
I finally got really tired to the point I couldn't keep my eyes open any long and went to sleep about 10 or something and just now woke up at 4. Nothing too horribly entertaining about this particular blog. Mostly, this is just a brief play-by-play of the last few days. I just don't feel right at all, almost as if all my energy has been sucked away. I know I have a lot to do, but I have not one ounce of energy to do any of it. I am not sure what's going on with me but I do know that I need a lot of prayers right now. After getting sick Thursday at school, I don't feel myself at all...not at all...
The eye doctor said my eyes were fine and they hadn't changed, so I got the same prescription on my contacts and she said that my eyes were a good candidate for LASIK. She gave me a referral to Dr. Loden in Goodlettsville, so we'll see how all that goes. First and foremost, my teeth have to take priority because three of my wisdom teeth have decided to cut through which is just a barrel of monkeys.
I finally got really tired to the point I couldn't keep my eyes open any long and went to sleep about 10 or something and just now woke up at 4. Nothing too horribly entertaining about this particular blog. Mostly, this is just a brief play-by-play of the last few days. I just don't feel right at all, almost as if all my energy has been sucked away. I know I have a lot to do, but I have not one ounce of energy to do any of it. I am not sure what's going on with me but I do know that I need a lot of prayers right now. After getting sick Thursday at school, I don't feel myself at all...not at all...
Friday, February 11, 2011
Home Sweet Home
This last week and a half has been nothing short of insane. It seems as if I have been going non-stop. Last Tuesday I got a call from an old family friend that my dad had gotten sick and he needed me. So, at work I called him from my cell to see what was going on and found out that he did need me, as well as my brother. Basically, my dad just got a pacemaker and some of the medicines he is supposed to take (actually all of them), he wasn't. I got with my boss and he gave me the FMLA papers and I headed down there. I've been in Covington, TN (Which is about an hour north from Memphis, give or take) since last Wednesday at noon and just now arrived back in Franklin a few hours ago. I've spent that time helping my dad get better and had a lot of good talks with my brother. I have to go back Sunday but chose to come back today just because I didn't want to rush everything and get things ready for me to go back to work Sunday night. Today though, before I left Covington, I had so many thoughts in my head. It was great to be able to help my dad through his sickness and great that work let me off to be able to do that. It is very heartwarming all the people up here in Franklin that do care so much, to call and text to see if I was ok. I really do appreciate it and feel so blessed.
What's going on in my head right now is so scrambled and jumbled up, I'm not even sure with my writing skills that I can get it across. I will try though. I have lived here with my husband and two little dogs now for going on my sixth year. I have been able to make it with him, I love him dearly, and everyone I've met here. Leaving today was so very hard though. Hugging my dad and brother, telling each other how much we'd be missed by the other, and all that has led me into deep thoughts. I don't have to say again how much I love them because I know that they know it. I literally will drop everything if they're in trouble and need me but there's that part of my mind that wants to not just be there for the "bad" or when dad gets sick and needs me to help him. Clay and I had a very small moment where he played a new riff on his guitar and I came up with some lyrics on the spot. We never got to finish that song, but if I were there all the time we could. No, this isn't about music. Its about the part where there was that happy moment in between all the craziness and I fully enjoyed that. I enjoy my brother's company and I enjoy being around my dad. When his medications were getting straightened out, I was enjoying my time with him. It had been over a year and half since I seen them and the last time I went down was because two of my cousins had a bad car wreck and passed, so I went to the funeral. Time before that, I had went because Uncle Richard passed away. I'm seeing a pattern here and I am really not liking it that much. I'm going down home for the "bad" instances and not so much the good. Its really hard to pull myself from work, school, and all that sort of thing to be able to take time to just go down and have an enjoyable visit.
Now, some people might say..."Well, I thought your life was sooooo great up in Franklin..why would you wanna move back to Covington?" Its not that, not that in the least. I've met some amazing people up here and some of them I actually count as my family. You see, in my eyes, you don't have to be blood related to be family. I've actually got family now in both places and its time like these that I wish I could clone myself. I miss my cousins, my uncles, aunts, everyone yet I have a life up here as well.
I'm mostly just thinking out loud and I know that God will put me where He wants me to be and I have so much faith in Him. I'm sure somehow I'll figure this all out but in the meantime, I'm going to get my apartment straightened out some and hopefully get some rest before Sunday. I'm emotionally and physically drained....To anyone out there that has read this..thank you..and may God bless all of you....
~Susan
What's going on in my head right now is so scrambled and jumbled up, I'm not even sure with my writing skills that I can get it across. I will try though. I have lived here with my husband and two little dogs now for going on my sixth year. I have been able to make it with him, I love him dearly, and everyone I've met here. Leaving today was so very hard though. Hugging my dad and brother, telling each other how much we'd be missed by the other, and all that has led me into deep thoughts. I don't have to say again how much I love them because I know that they know it. I literally will drop everything if they're in trouble and need me but there's that part of my mind that wants to not just be there for the "bad" or when dad gets sick and needs me to help him. Clay and I had a very small moment where he played a new riff on his guitar and I came up with some lyrics on the spot. We never got to finish that song, but if I were there all the time we could. No, this isn't about music. Its about the part where there was that happy moment in between all the craziness and I fully enjoyed that. I enjoy my brother's company and I enjoy being around my dad. When his medications were getting straightened out, I was enjoying my time with him. It had been over a year and half since I seen them and the last time I went down was because two of my cousins had a bad car wreck and passed, so I went to the funeral. Time before that, I had went because Uncle Richard passed away. I'm seeing a pattern here and I am really not liking it that much. I'm going down home for the "bad" instances and not so much the good. Its really hard to pull myself from work, school, and all that sort of thing to be able to take time to just go down and have an enjoyable visit.
Now, some people might say..."Well, I thought your life was sooooo great up in Franklin..why would you wanna move back to Covington?" Its not that, not that in the least. I've met some amazing people up here and some of them I actually count as my family. You see, in my eyes, you don't have to be blood related to be family. I've actually got family now in both places and its time like these that I wish I could clone myself. I miss my cousins, my uncles, aunts, everyone yet I have a life up here as well.
I'm mostly just thinking out loud and I know that God will put me where He wants me to be and I have so much faith in Him. I'm sure somehow I'll figure this all out but in the meantime, I'm going to get my apartment straightened out some and hopefully get some rest before Sunday. I'm emotionally and physically drained....To anyone out there that has read this..thank you..and may God bless all of you....
~Susan
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