Uncomfortably Numb

The alarm clock summoned me awake as it normally does before I have to go to work at night. I thought I would be fine, took my shower, got ready, and headed out the door. I could feel my arms and legs growing weaker with each step I took to the door, then to the car, then driving, and to the time clock. My head would have that strange, yet familiar feeling like its being pushed in and I'm about to pass out. I would love to just close my eyes and let the blackness over take me.
I had that same thought the other day when, still I hate to even admit what happened. If I write it out, its so much more different. Writing it out, means it has to be so rather than saying it out loud in my world. In my world, words that are written make it so for some odd reason. I am still trying to come to grips that merely three days ago I did have a seizure. My body, I had no control over it. I wanted it to stop, but I couldn't make it just stop. It kept on. My eyes wanted to shut but I kept them open. In my mind, the only thing that made sense to me was getting home to Gary where I would be safe. I still have no clue how I even made it home. I just know I did. Everything is a blur about that afternoon. At the risk of being too graphic, I do know that I threw up on myself, who knows how many times, in the car then when I got home and finally I went to bed.
The last few days have left me feeling incredibly weak. I don't have much energy at all. The lightheaded feeling I have is unreal and I am writing all this down so I don't forget. My balance is off, I have this strange ringing in my ears, and I just don't feel like Susan. The part of me, the old me, that is left in this shell wanted to go to work. Its what you have to do so I did. I got there and I felt just as bad as when I left. I thought it might pass, but it did not. I helped break down the dairy truck, which at one point in my life, I could do by myself in less than an hour on any given night. I was finding myself relying on the strength of my coworkers. I was dependent on them to lift the heavy things, to pull the pallets, and to do the things that I could do half asleep and had done so many times before. Vickie had asked if I could help her lift a pallet, which I thought  no problem with. She was going backwards and I was going forwards. Well, somehow, the pallet hit the bunker and made her drop it. The pallet landed on my foot. I opened my mouth to say ow, but I was shocked. Why? I didn't feel it. I felt no pain. I have no feeling in my hands or legs. They are numb. A pallet that was quite heavy landed on my now bruised foot but I felt absolutely nothing. Can someone explain that to me?
I told my bosses that I needed to go home, so I left at lunch time. I tried to make it but I couldn't. The more I went on, the worse I felt in all honesty, but that goes without saying really.
I do know that this arachnoid cyst has now decided to add not only numbness to my extremities, nausea, balance issues, weakness, but now seizures. In a word to describe my feelings: terrified. I'm scared. I'm honestly scared to death. I don't remember how I got home the other day. I had no control over my body. I threw up. I couldn't stop shaking. I have no feeling in my hands or feet. I am numb. I am also angry. I have a thing in my head that is 3.5 cm x 3.5 cm in size on my posterior fossa and all these doctors can say is that its incidental, I've had it since birth. Well, great. But the thing is causing me trouble now. Don't wait until I'm having..oh wait? Seizures? Hello? Looks like that's happening, um..now-ish?
Let me put it out there like this: **WARNING: VENT SESSION**
No more than five years ago when I started Wal*Mart, I could stock with the best of them and, not to sound too horribly arrogant, I was damned good at my job. I could get an aisle done so quick it was unreal. I could run an entire dairy department, milk included and on a good night turn back-stock without breaking a sweat. Then, I'd come home and cook my husband a meal and clean the house and take care of business on the home-front. DO these doctors not understand how horrible it pains me to know and to come to the sad realization that I can't do this anymore? Do they need someone to slap them to understand that its not my damned snoring or whatever else they wanna cook up in their heads that's causing these symptoms? I have a CYST in my frakkin' head.


In any case, I do realize that I have been to Bowling Green, Nashville, and even all the way to the other side of Kentucky to find help. They have all said the same thing so, my friends, forgive me when I hear "you need to go to the doctor" I don't jump on the ball. You can only hear so many times that "Its all in your head. Its always going to be there. Its never going to change. Its asymptomatic." That one gets a bit weary of going to a doctor. However, if I found one that was across country and I knew without a shadow of a doubt that doctor would be so gracious enough to cut a dime sized whole in my head, drain it, and put me back together again, I would do it. Well, the optimistic side of me is really hoping that this search I've done has found that but the other part of me that's dealt with what I have for the past few years is skeptical. It doesn't mean I won't try though. I know I'm being vague, so here's what I'm talking about. There is a doctor I've found that is not hesitant, apparently, in LA that will do surgery on the arachnoid cysts. He admits they cause problems and does phone consultations. I will be asking my husband what he thinks and I am very, very, very willing to travel that far to get relief because I do want my life back. I want that old Susan back....and I am willing to do anything it takes, Lord willing, to do just that. The video below is about the doctor..Lets hope and pray it works out with him...